The Apprentice: Fulham edition

George wonders how Fulham’s backroom staff would fare on the tired old reality show.

SCENE: THE BOARDROOM.

LORD SUGAR is scowling at the head of the table. To his left, KARREN BRADY looks perplexed. To his right, TIM CAMPBELL is scribbling notes and shaking his head with raised eyebrows.

Team Oxymoron - made up of members of Fulham’s ticketing and commercial teams - sit opposite, trembling.

LORD SUGAR Right. Let’s look at the task. I sent you down to SW6 and told you to do two simple things: Raise some money for the Fulham Foundation and sell out the home end for West Ham, all while keeping the fans happy. Karren, what happened with the charity task?

KARREN It was a disaster, Lord Sugar. Team Oxymoron decided to organise a 10K fun run for the Foundation. A noble cause, but the marketing was… questionable. £45 to take part in the run… all for charity, that’s fair enough. But then, they had a ‘brainwave.’ For an extra fifteen quid, they threw in a ticket to Brentford away.

LORD SUGAR (Leaning forward) Brentford away? The game where fans who’ve been collecting loyalty points for a quarter of a century still struggle to get tickets? If they brought Elvis Presley back from the dead, got him to join Oasis, and then they headlined Glastonbury together, it’d be easier to get a ticket for THAT than for Brentford away. You’re telling me, that instead of rewarding the fan who goes to the Etihad on a rainy Wednesday night in January, you gave tickets to anyone who’s got a pair of New Balance trainers and can jog for an hour?

CANDIDATE #1 Lord Sugar, we felt it encouraged fitness and philanthropy…

LORD SUGAR Philanthropy? You’ve turned the loyalty point system into a secondary market! You’ve basically told your most loyal supporters: “don’t bother supporting the team home and away for a decade, just do a bit of light cardio and you can jump the queue.” It’s a shambles! Also, you’re selling a £30 ticket for £15 as part of a bundle. Whose working out those margins?!

TIM It gets worse, Lord Sugar. While they were busy creating loyalty point loopholes, they were struggling to sell out the West Ham game.

LORD SUGAR Ah yes, important Premier League fixture. A must-win if the club wants to secure European football. Under the lights. Assume they’ll be wanting to pack it out with loyal fans and get a good atmosphere going… Reasonably priced tickets. Bums on seats?

TIM Not quite Lord Sugar… Team Oxymoron opted for a ‘high price, low volume’ strategy. Cheapest adult tickets are £59 a pop. £100 plus for the Riverside.

LORD SUGAR I’ve seen Gianni Infantino flogging cheaper tickets. How are they selling?

TIM Not amazingly, Lord Sugar. At this rate the crowd could be looking patchier than West Ham’s defence… No offence, Karren.

KARREN None taken.

LORD SUGAR Not selling aye? What was your recovery plan? Surely they want a full ground at the very least? Did you give out tickets to local schools? Youth clubs? Free tickets to those who may not otherwise be able to afford to go could be a nice touch? Targeting the next generation of fans who might actually sing a song?

CANDIDATE #2 We… we targeted the immediate local vicinity, Lord Sugar. We gave the tickets away for free to the residents of the surrounding streets.

LORD SUGAR (Stares blankly) The surrounding streets? You mean the people living in the five-story townhouses on Finlay Street? You’re giving freebies to millionaires?

KARREN Exactly, Lord Sugar. They gave complimentary tickets to people who could afford to buy Fulham’s entire front line without checking their bank balance.

CANDIDATE #3 We felt it built “community relations”…

LORD SUGAR Community relations?! You’ve got passionate fans who would give their right arm to be there, but you’d rather give a freebie to a bloke named Otto who thinks a “clean sheet” is something his housekeeper handles on a Monday morning!?

TIM The logic is non-existent, Lord Sugar. They’ve managed to somehow make the most loyal fans feel unappreciated, while the people who are at best indifferent, and can afford to go anyway, are getting the product for nothing. It’s “Business 101” in reverse.

LORD SUGAR I’ve been in business for 60 years... I’ve sold Amstrad E-mailers - and even they made more sense than this. You’ve angered your core market, lost out on potential revenue, and turned an in-demand ticket to the local derby into a participation trophy for a fun run.

CANDIDATE #1 But Lord Sugar, the “Fulham Family”...

LORD SUGAR Don’t “Fulham Family” me! If this was a family, you’d be the dodgy uncle who’d sell granny’s jewellery to pay for a banker’s lunch!

(Sugar points a shaky finger)

LORD SUGAR You’ve alienated true fans. You’ve messed up the math. And quite frankly, you couldn’t organise a jog in a park without causing fan outlets to write laboured Apprentice-themed satirical articles at your expense.

You’re all fired!