Fulham Faithfuls... can you spot The Traitors?

Ahead of the visit of the Toffees, George Cooper warns us to stay vigilant.

Fulham Faithfuls. Welcome to Craven Cottage.

27,000 of you are ready to watch Marco’s men take on Everton. A classic Premier League fixture and hopefully three points closer to a European tour. But look closer. Among you, sitting in your seats, breathing your air, reluctantly buying your flat £7.50 pints of Camden Hells are… The Traitors.

A sold-out away end and a board systematically pricing out home fans have caused a loophole, allowing Evertonians to bypass ticketing systems and sneak into the home stands. They’re sitting among us, hiding in plain sight. It’s up to you - the Fulham Faithful - to banish them before the final whistle blows (or at least fire a disapproving tut in their general direction).

Now, remember the Liverpool game? That was easy. A Liverpool Traitor is as subtle as a Hawaiian shirt at a Victorian funeral. They simply cannot help themselves. One man named “Kirby Jon” even had the audacity to ask if there were any spares going in the Fulhamish Telegram channel. When Gakpo scored in the 94th minute they revealed themselves like groundhogs on 2 February, popping out from their burrows, before Harrison Reed sent them back from whence they came.

Everton are different. They’re more subtle; battle-hardened. They’ve had years of practice at hiding their disappointment; hiding a blue shirt is second nature to them.

You must look for the signs. Can you see anybody inexplicably filming Everton’s corners? Are they looking confused at half-time; out of sync with the rhythm (or lack thereof) of the Hammersmith End concourse. Can you spot a flash of royal blue polyester peeking out from their layers? Do they look a bit too happy at the sight of Jordan Pickford’s milky-white pins? Listen to the vowels. If you hear “go on la’!” alarm bells should be ringing. If you hear “fuckin’ell la’ these bazzies are chocka” - banish them.

But be careful. In this game, there are red herrings. You’ll see them everywhere. Tourists. If you spot a seemingly care-free individual wearing a half-and-half scarf, they aren’t Traitors; they’re just lost. Ignore them.

The giveaway sign for spotting tourists is a kind of relaxation true fans, on either side of the divide, will never experience on a matchday. They sit there, without a care in the world, letting the experience wash over them, like a dog listening to classical music. If you see a grown man holding up a sign saying “Grealish, please can I have your shirt” - it does not necessarily mean they are an Evertonian Traitor; they could just be a virgin.

Remember: if you accuse a fellow Fulham Faithful - if you banish a fan who simply has a naturally high-pitched voice and a blue beanie, the guilt will be shattering. You’ll have to live with that.

Enormous luck. Let the game begin.